Yes It is That Time of Year

The Fucking Holidays have returned once again. So I figured I would write something of an attempt at being, snappy, witty, funny, with maybe a dash of snarkyness, and I will probably fail horribly.

Halloween:
Personally I really enjoy Halloween, and I wish it were longer than just one night. It is an excuse to dress up in skank-uh... I mean Snazzy, costumes, and take part in the many creative, and often wild revelries offered around the 31st of October in the U.S. Granted, once a month I dress up in corsets, panties, and fishnets to go gad about in a theatre filled with people in similar garb for Rocky Horror, but hey, more people participate in Halloween, so the more the merrier right? Right! Can you imagine if Halloween lasted a week? Drunken adventures in Haunted Houses, free candy and cookies instead of real food, wild hallucinations in Haunted Houses do to lack of proper nutrition and an excess of drugs and alcohol... Okay... Maybe it wouldn't be the BEST idea ever, but it would definitely be exciting.
However Halloween has its downsides, the stresses of coming up with a costume idea that does not cost an arm and a leg, the possibility of not finding anything exciting to do and getting stuck at home delegating candy outt o already hyper children as their parents grimace at the handful of sugary substances you shuck into the eager hands of said children, oh and lets not forget grossly obese women dressed in scraps of fabric that would barely cover the essential bits of a smaller figure and end up covering less than the rolls of nasty fat that hang about the woman's body, drugged out teenagers laughing at bathroom humor in the gargantuan lines outside all of the good Haunted Houses... There are most definitely downsides, but I think the perks still outweigh the negatives in comparison to the other holidays.

Thanksgiving (In the US):
Oh boy the food, food, food, and family. All I see is a grueling multiple day venture into the land of the domestic for a surprisingly small payout. Who wants to spend a week cleaning, decorating, and preparing food, for family you don't particularly want to spend time with, for one evening of feasting that leaves you sick to your stomach, tired, and with a kitchen full of dishes that require cleaning before the pie can be consumed.
I'm a bit jaded against this holiday because it falls so close to my birthday, and therefore any family coming to visit waits an extra week to give me my gifts. Which isn't much to complain about in comparison to my cousin, who gets jipped out of gifts because her birthday is exactly a month after mine and consequently five days before Christmas. Lucky Her.
Anyhow, I really don't like eating variations of leftover turkey for a week after thanksgiving either. Turkey soup, turkey pot pie, turkey salad, turkey sandwiches... I like a little more variety in my diet thank you very much.

Christmas:
Okay, this only applies if you are a follower of the Christian faith, or a member of the Commercial Faith, but hey whatever floats yer boat eh?
I really adore christmas trees, or I did until my brother developed an allergy to them and I can no longer enjoy the scent and feel of a dead tree sitting in the living room. Instead I get robbed of this pagan experience that originated in Germany and was invented by the Gauls (sp?), no I get a fake tree to decorate. The decorating part isn't too bad though, actually its one of the most cherished memories spent with my family. My other favorite thing? Cookies. I have massive amounts of fun baking mass amounts of cookies to give away. Lemon cookies, gingerbread cookies, pinwheel cookies, sugar cookies, shortbread cookies, lemon bars, pecan bites, peppermint-white chocolate biscotti, you name it I bake it, and more than one batch of each. However my waistline always complains at the extra five to ten pounds that miraculously appear along with the cookies...
But after all the Christmassy frivolities are over, there is the biggest let-down ever. It gets so hyped up that afterwards it is hard to figure out how you are going to go on with your life. You spend a week playing with all your new toys and nicknacks, watching your new movies, bragging about how fabulous your gifts were to your friends, and then there is nothing... Well except for my next bit...

New Year's Eve:
I really don't know what to say about this one, I've never really participated in any of the mainstream activities that surround this holiday. I've never made resolutions which promptly and conveniently get forgotten in the sea of instant gratification. I've never partied down, due to a protective mother who has lost friends to drunken driving on this most wild of evenings, so I don't blame her for asking me to stay home. I've never had a special somebody or stranger to mack on at midnight... I've always had my special brand of New Years Eve...
It involves potato chips and dip, soda and champaigne, board games, and heres the kicker... Dungeons and Dragons. Yes, I spend a night geeking out with my D&D group, a bit upscale due to the sham-pag-ney and clam dip to go with our potato chips... But still a retardedly dorky way to spend the craziest party night of the year next to Halloween and St. Patrick's Day(I will save my rants on St. Patrick's Day, and Valentine's Day for the actual dates).
No wonder I've never had someone to messily makeout with on that night -insert suitably embarrased/self depreciating smiley emoticon here-
Oh wait, I do bang pots and pans at midnight, for the pure joy of irritating everyone in the neighborhood... That is until the rednecks pull their guns out and start firing into the night... Then I generally go inside.

Easter:
I don't really have anything bad to say about this. Decorating eggs? FUN! I make zombie eggs, and pretty eggs, and normal eggs, and WTF?! Eggs, eggs that look at you in horror, eggs that smile, eggs that say strange things, eggs that inspire. Its awesome. Plus I get chocolate and Jelly Beans, and I get to spend time with the part of my family I actually enjoy spending time with. The only downside? Church...
Nothing more stressful than trying to find something 'nice' to wear, so that I can go be gawked at by people who automatically assume I'm a nympho drug addict who participates in satanic orgies while drinking the blood of infants and virgins. All because my hair isn't 'the norm', I have facial piercings, and I sometimes dig taking part in a clam and melon feast... Judgemental fuckers... I only drink the blood of infants, So ignorant.

Because I'm Bored and I Can.
Thats Why.

I Point at 50% of the Male Population When I Say This

Keep your hands off my tits!

When I cuddle with a guy, I do NOT appreciate it when that cute moment of physical contact, that isn't quite emotional but isn't completely free of sexual tension, is RUINED by some guy pawing around my chest or lady-bits.
That is not what cuddling or snuggling time is for.
So take a step back, and breathe deeply, the odds are that if I'm cuddling with you eventually I'm going to roll over/turn around/tilt my head back/inch closer for a kiss, and that my friend will generally be the sign that your hands may begin roaming.
Sheesh.
Patience is a virtue.

Oh and while I'm on the subject of giving guys(or girls) advice on what a girl wants...
If you are going to insist on talking during sex, which sometimes isn't a bad thing, PLEASE do not talk "dirty" in the sense that you sound like you are making an intimate session into your own personal porn flick.
Ew.
Its gross.
Learn how to say tantalizing tidbits that really will make a girl want to jump you, instead of that nasty-ass, poorly written, crap that porn uses as an excuse for a script.
Total Turn Off.

And if a girl says she likes it "rough" that does not mean just harder and faster.
It means ROUGH.
As in, pin her down and put that testosterone induced aggression you all seem so intent on displaying when you hit your friends in front of us to look more manly, to good use!
And no, rough sex does not equate to bondage, and bondage does not equate to S&M. They are three separate, very different, things and should be treated as such.

Anyhow... save free roaming hands for when they are invited.

Because I'm Bored and I Can.
Thats Why.

Its Been a While

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